2018 Check-In

Well hello, friends! It’s been a while! I’d love to say I have a fantastic reason for not writing lately, but, really, I’ve just been lazy. Not only lazy, I suppose, but doing a whole lot of processing, soul-searching, grieving, and, well, life. So, buckle up folks, it’s about to get real.

Let’s start with the physical journey. I started 2018 out weighing 272 pounds. It’s not the 305 I weighed in college, but it’s also not the 247 I weighed the year after college (see: broken engagement). Within the first couple months of the year I dropped down to 260. But, a rough breakup in March saw that creep back up. Since then I’ve rocked the yo-yo, but slowly trended down, this morning weight in at 250.0. Throughout the year I’ve explored the worlds of the ketogenic diet and functional medicine, leading to a greater understanding of how my body works, and an ability to experiment with various nutritional elements. By doing so, I was able to completely stop using insulin to manage my diabetes, and also tapered off antidepressants for the first time in 12 years! At the same time, I received word I have multiple stress fractures all over my right foot (the one on which I had surgery last April), so I’m stuck in a boot for a total of 8 months. Overall, my health is increasing, and I look forward to discovering even more about my health, leading to a much more fulfilling life!

All of this has taken a significant emotional toll. First of all – dating (queue the horror music). First off, a girlfriend broke up with me because I don’t like country music. Real solid. But after that, I went through a series of 2 or 3 date flings with women who ended up cutting things off primarily due to either my weight or my playfulness. One got hung up on my love of Disney, and one even cut things off because of the broken foot. My core emotional wellbeing took a pretty hard hit after those. The constant cycle of hope and rejection wore away my optimism and left me in a pretty deep pit of depression. I mean, look – I’m already single at the age of 34. I thought I’d be married with kids by now. There’s a ton of emotion wrapped up in that. But to be rejected for trivial things like the two I just mentioned, that took me down. So, just a few weeks ago, I deleted all the dating apps. Honestly, this was a game changer. Sure, I’m worried about meeting someone; I mean, how does anyone find someone in 2018 if not on Bumble or Match? There’s really no resolution to this part of the story. But, I’m learning to be okay with myself independent of the affirmation of random people I meet online and see once or twice in person.

With all the extra time on my hands (no more drive time to Del Taco or evenings wasted swiping right), I’ve started digging into my relationship with Christ. After decades or trying and failing, I’ve finally developed a solid habit of getting up early to spend time in scripture, prayer, and journaling. God has been revealing some amazing things to me, digging through the various masks I’ve spent years developing to keep me from having to deal with what seems to be the root cause of a lot of my pain – a desire accepted fully by someone who knows me fully. Yeah, the tears were flowing during that particular journaling session. But, now that God has revealed that to me, I can start dealing with it! I’m pretty hopeful right now, knowing God is faithful to us, and seeing the work he’s doing in my heart and mind.

So, there you have it. It’s been quite a 2018, and I didn’t even dig into job challenges, family distance, or finding a new church. What has been the highlight of your 2018 so far? The lowlight?