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October 7, 2016

Today a friend posted a quote that I can’t get out of my head: “You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep rereading the last one.”

I ruminate on emotional experiences. I’m an emotional guy, and I tend to emote quite a bit. Not in a bad or unhealthy way (at least I don’t think that is the case); I simply feel very deeply, and I don’t hide it.

The last seven weeks have been incredibly difficult. Pain, betrayal, and the realization that what I thought I had was never actually present. I can’t seem to stop replaying various experiences and conversations over and over again. Was there something I missed? Did I completely ignore the warning signs (probably)? How could I have saved it?

By replaying these scenes I’m constantly reliving the painful experiences. Instead of staying in the past they return to the present, and the wound is torn open over and over again. I’m unable to let go, because, for all intents and purposes, no time has passed.

The thing is, I have no idea how to stop doing it. They say (“they” being friends, family, and my therapist) this will come with time. Eventually a moment will pass when I’m not thinking about this (in fact, that happened for the first time during a meeting yesterday afternoon). A minute will become an hour, an hour a day, and the pit in my stomach will become a distant memory. That seems impossible right now, but I know it’s true.

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